Good Marriage

Bad Marriage

TO MY PARENTS

My father taught me that with

a firm commitment,

any goal can be accomplished

My mother told me that

forgiveness brings happiness

Preface

Nature has endowed man and woman with romantic feelings for one another, and society has given human life a purpose by instituting marriage and family.

Financial security, a comfortable life, a proper place and a significant role in society, and a bright future for their children are some of the most powerful dreams for humans. These aspirations motivate them to explore their life’s purpose, persevere in their efforts, and achieve their objectives.

Man faces new challenges and fights a new battle every day. However, after a long day of struggles, the family provides a safe haven where new strength and energy are infused. The mental fortitude to face the challenges ahead is instilled here as well.

Life takes on a new hue when you have the opportunity and the ability to do something for your family. Husband and wife contribute to society by raising their children in a loving and committed relationship. They teach their children that people are good and life is worth living.

Unfortunate are those couples who turn their home into a torture chamber. Once there, some of them spend their lives as a punishment, compromising their circumstances, while others spend a precious time of their lives in the corridors of courts and chambers of lawyers, hoping for better days. However, I have noticed that many people are not happy after divorce. Even after splitting up, they don’t move forward but continuously peek into each other’s lives and find solace in their misery.

Most couples consider their children the most valuable aspect of their lives, but their lack of foresight and ego causes them to lose focus on their relationship goals. Whether it’s a protracted legal battle for divorce or day-to-day conflict between a husband and wife living together, either of them can lose, but children always lose.

These children sometimes suffer from fear, guilt, doubt, sadness, anxiety, or anger. They lose trust in the beauty of human relationships, which can never be compensated. Such children’s emotional turmoil and survival struggles can break them or turn them rebellious.

For husband and wife, divorce can be an option; they are responsible for such a decision and its consequences. However, this free choice is available until they do not have a child. The children are major stakeholders but silent victims in the divorce process and its aftereffects. When a child enters a couple’s life, it is at least a 15-20-year project. Unfortunately, many parents who have strained relationships with their spouses choose to opt out of their children’s lives or deny parenting rights to the other partner.

I find the mental harassment of these children and their parents’ ignorance to be extremely painful. My purpose in writing this book is to share with the readers my concern and anguish about the long-term effects of marital conflict on their children.

Though this is not a self-help book, it is my sacred duty to share some insights I developed during my long experience as a relationship counsellor. If separation is the only option in a complicated relationship, it is better to get divorced at the right time. But before separating, there are a few things to consider.

First, there are the challenges and compromises involved in choosing a new life partner and adjusting to them; maybe one can heal a complicated relationship with less effort.

Second, even if you have decided to get a divorce, seek a ‘second opinion’ from a relationship counsellor before taking a plunge.

Third, children of all ages are affected by their parents’ divorce, and their reactions vary according to their age and developmental stage. Ideally, at the time of divorce, the children should have attained enough emotional and cognitive maturity to understand what divorce means to them and express their concerns. The parents should assuage their feelings of guilt, insecurity, fear, etc.

Fourth, if possible, the parents should seek professional help with the timing and modalities to minimize the adverse effects of the breakups on their children. This will help them realign with their new family structure.

Fifth, the partners should negotiate a joint separation script and become friendly with one another. Their cooperation before, during, and after the breakup aids their children’s transition to the new family structure and enables them to handle the negative consequences.

This story does not provide an answer but instead raises pertinent questions. I hope that if the husband and wife read this book and discuss it with an open mind, it will help them create true bliss in their relationship.

I published the Hindi version of this book under the title ‘Good Marriage, Bad Marriage’ four years ago. I had planned to launch the Hindi and English versions simultaneously. Still, the English version has been delayed partly because of my preoccupation with my clients and partly because of the pandemic.

If you like this novel, please share it with your life partner, friends, and children.

Be happy always

Kultaran Chhatwal

Acknowledgements

I am grateful to you for your decision to read this novel.

What amazes me the most is completing a novel by a man with an irregular routine like me. Career workshops with students, teachers, and parents, as well as long sessions with married couples on the exciting journey of relationship-building skills, have never allowed me enough time to document my experiences with the nuances of relationships. I am grateful to my amazing wife, Varinder, for her unconditional and unabated support in completing this project.

I am grateful to my children, Gurpreet, Harleen, Deepinder, and Preeti, for their encouragement and value addition through time-to-time feedback to make this story engaging and valuable. Their faith got me to do this work. Deepinder made the most valuable contribution in providing me with the best infrastructure, software, and other essentials for writing the book. The family’s support and encouragement made my journey from being a psychologist to a storyteller smooth.

I am grateful to my revered author friends Alka Kansara, Dr Chander Kiran, Dr Neeru Chugh, and Verinder Asdhir for their invaluable contributions to editing this book.

I am grateful to my students and the married couples who come with their quest for learning the intricacies of intimate relationships; they have taught me what my psychology qualifications and studies could not.

I would like to express my gratitude to the eminent writer and Sahitya Akademi Awardee, Dr Shefalika Verma Ji. I have been a fan of hers for many years. She has always been kind and supported me in all my literary endeavours, including this book.

Kultaran Chhatwal

1

When Joshi told him that Geeta was crying, Raman’s anger fizzled out, and feelings of guilt crept in. He was now angry with himself for his obnoxious behaviour. The more he thought about it, the more depressed he felt.

He was repenting for having created an unnecessary uproar. After Joshi left his room, he took a deep breath, absent-mindedly reclined in his chair and was lost in his thoughts. The cup of tea lying on his table was left untouched. After a while, Dheeru came to clear the table, but he stepped back, looking at the tea in the cup. Raman’s reverie was interrupted, “Take away Dheeru Bhai; it is cold now.”

Dheeru hesitantly asked, “Sir, should I get another one?”

Raman sighed deeply and said, “No, it is okay. I will take it in a while.”

Joshi had always been a strict disciplinarian. He often said to Raman, “Sir, while we can understand personal constraints, the staff needs to maintain discipline. If you become slightly lenient, the work environment goes for a toss.”

But when he told Raman Geeta’s plight, he could sense the pain and disapproval in his tone.

Today, some export consignments are to be sent to Delhi. Their invoices had to be prepared by Geeta, and the work was held up because she had not yet arrived.

Besides purchasing the raw materials, Joshi handled the entire administration work, which was his responsibility, and he handled everything very efficiently. Apart from being a good and efficient administrator, he treated all the staff as his children, and they freely shared their personal problems with him.

Raman did not compromise with the quality of work or discipline, but he never interfered in the office administration and routine work schedule. He had not reprimanded anyone to date.

Joshi comes to the office at 8:30 in the morning, half an hour earlier than the other staff members.

As soon as Joshi reached the office today, he tried to contact Geeta on her mobile, but her phone was switched off. When Raman came to the office, he came to know that Geeta had not arrived yet and that the truck’s departure had been held up. Raman himself called her, but he did not get any response.

He stood in the hall and dialled her number several times, but she did not respond. He then sat next to Joshi’s chair and redialled her number. He tried several times but received the same recorded message: “The number you dialled is switched off.”

Generally, Raman sits in his room only. If he ever comes to the hall to talk to someone, he keeps on standing and, after finishing his talk, gets back to his room.

As he sat in front of Joshi in this manner, with tense expressions, an uneasy silence loomed large.

“Sir, please relax. I will send somebody to find out,” Joshi mustered the courage to begin a conversation. But Raman paid no attention to what Joshi said. Dheeru brought a glass of water, but he ignored it and dialled Geeta’s number repeatedly. Everyone’s gaze was fixed on the clock, and each second seemed to last an eternity.

Geeta came at around 11. Walking at a fast pace with shaky movements, she entered the office. She was stunned to see Raman sitting in the hall. After greeting him, she stepped towards her seat, but as she noticed strain and anger on Raman’s face, her feet got glued to the ground. Raman was staring at her. Without responding to her greeting, he looked at his watch.

Geeta said, “Sorry, sir, I am late.”

Raman’s face became red with anger, and he said in a loud voice, “Madam, go home; we will manage this office without you, and why have you switched off your phone?”

Geeta did not respond and began tiptoeing towards her seat. When Raman saw her walking away, he shouted, “Irresponsible!”

Everyone was stunned as he uttered this word in a thunderous voice. Geeta silently moved towards her seat, her eyes fixed on the floor. She turned on the computer and began working on it. Raman sat there for a while, staring at Geeta. He then jerked to his feet and walked to his chamber, taking long strides. Joshi’s gaze followed him silently up to his room. And then, he slowly got up from his seat and sat on the chair lying in front of Geeta’s table.

It was for the first time that Raman lost his temper in the office. Even after coming to his room, he was not at ease for a long time. Sitting quietly in his seat, he tried to toss various explanations to justify his anger.

Geeta commanded a lot of respect from all of them for her efficiency and sincerity, and secondly, no one had ever seen soft-spoken Raman lose his cool.

Joshi would come to Raman’s room every morning to discuss the day’s plan as a matter of routine. Raman waited, but Joshi didn’t turn up today to chalk out the day’s schedule. Raman desperately wanted someone to show up and break this deafening silence. But no one entered his room.

This unexpected outburst was a rude shock for all the staff members. After this incident, the office environment became very uneasy and depressingly silent. Everybody was quietly doing their job.

Even the tea to the staff was not served today on time. The usual tea time in the office was at 11 AM. Even a slight delay in serving the tea made people restless because their craving for tea was no less than drug addiction. But it was all different today. Dheeru, who managed the kitchen, forgot to make tea as he stood by Geeta to help her staple the papers, and no one complained about the delay.

By about noon, the truckload of export consignment could leave for Delhi. After that, Dheeru went to the kitchen to make tea.

Raman was sitting quietly in his closed chamber, but he was aware that the environment outside was quiet and tense.

Everyone felt that treating Geeta like this was nothing short of an injustice, but still, there was more of a sense of astonishment amongst the staff members than any hostile feelings towards Raman.

Staff used to bring their tiffin, and Dheeru would collect the boxes from their tables in the morning and place them in the hot case. Even the ritual of gathering the tiffin boxes had slipped Dheeru’s mind today. Dheeru realized after serving everyone tea that he hadn’t kept the boxes in the hot case today. It was an extreme rarity.

When Dheeru was collecting the tiffin boxes one by one, everyone on the staff was looking at him with questions in their eyes. Dheeru did not have an answer to such questions, and no one expected one either. All staff members spoke in hushed tones about only the most essential issues. Joshi had been quiet the entire time.

Shortly after the truck left for Delhi, Joshi came to Raman’s room, “Sir, the consignment has been sent; it should reach the agency by night. Anyway, the overseas booking will be made tomorrow morning. I have cautioned Geeta that such lapses should not happen in the future. She has realized her mistake.”

Joshi’s tone was subdued.

Raman did not say anything or have an explanation for his outburst today. Meanwhile, Dheeru entered the room and placed two cups of tea on the table.

After a while, Joshi spoke again, “Sir, the girl is efficient and understands her responsibilities. As you know, her son has not been well. Since yesterday morning, he has been admitted to the hospital and was not responding to medication. By the evening, he had developed a very high fever. She had rushed to the hospital in a panic and had a sleepless night there. Her mobile battery was dead because she had no charger in the hospital.

When the Doctor arrived for the morning round, she talked to him and then came straight to the office because she had to complete the consignment papers. She’s distraught and has been crying. She has not eaten anything; I have sent her some tea and biscuits. I feel so sorry for the poor girl. These things happen once in a while. She’s been having a tough time looking after the family. She has only one obsession: her son should become a successful man. Her husband is no more, and her parents-in-law are very old. I don’t know how she will manage it all. It will be a long battle; may God help her.” And Joshi left his room.

Raman realized that Joshi was upset with today’s incident. He did not say it directly, but his tone said everything. Raman was now subdued and had a deep sorrow because he could now feel Joshi’s pain when he spoke about Geeta.

Raman knew that Geeta’s son was not well for many days, but he was unaware that he had been admitted to the hospital. After realizing his mistake, Raman thought of calling Geeta and apologizing but stopped short of it partly because of the office discipline and partly because of his ego. He also thought of asking her about her son’s latest condition. After thinking for a long time, Raman felt that he would not become normal till he came out of this reflective mood. He again called Joshi to his room. Joshi came immediately, “Yes, sir.”

Raman asked, “How is Geeta’s Son?” It was apparent from his tone that he had realized his mistake.

“There is no significant improvement. He is likely to stay in the hospital for a few days.” Joshi replied matter-of-factly.

Raman said, “Tell Geeta if need be, she can take leave for a day or two. If there’s any financial problem, please take care of that as well”.

“Yes, Sir, I would see that, but she may not accept any financial assistance. She is a very self-respecting girl. Still, I will see what we can do,” Joshi said and left.

Geeta’s husband had died three years ago. He worked in a factory in Nalagarh. One day, he was killed in a car accident one day on his way home. Geeta then relocated with her son to Palampur to live with her in-laws. She was a graduate, and after shifting to Palampur, she did a computer course. She had been working in Raman’s office for the last one and a half years. She frequently suffered from cough, cold, or fever but never asked for any leave.

She had no prior experience working in an office setting, so she made numerous mistakes. She would, however, sit late, seek advice from other staff members, and finish her work. Raman used to get irritated by her silly errors, but he never scolded her. Joshi was always the one who politely explained things to her. Nonetheless, she was always afraid of making mistakes. She gradually learned everything, and she now does everything efficiently.

Geeta’s sad face, worried eyes, and images of her fatherless son lying in the hospital bed were continuously haunting Raman. He was trying to analyze his own behaviour. What happened today was wrong; anger at someone got out on someone else.

Raman was so immersed in his world that his eyes became moist. He couldn’t figure out what was causing his current depressive state. It could be due to guilt over his deplorable behaviour, or it could be due to Geeta’s miserable life situation. It could also be due to his own hunger pangs or due to the suffocating atmosphere in his home.

*****

It had been raining on and off for the past few days. Even though it was the tail end of winter, the cold and moist air had brought a chill again. Waterfalls and lush greenery have drawn visitors to this peaceful, charming hill station. It is a hilly terrain, but it is not at a very high altitude. The tea plantations sprawled far and looked like green velvet carpets spread by nature.

The majestic Dhauladhar mountain range starts from here, and due to the proximity of snow-covered peaks throughout the year, the weather does not get too hot, even in the summers. As a result of the scanty rain for the last few years, many waterfalls have disappeared, but long spells of rain do make the place cold.

Raman tried to focus his attention on his work by opening his email. Despite his efforts, he could not concentrate on any task. Drained, he left the seat, walked to the window, and opened the glass panes. The Sun was not visible since morning, and the cold winds were blowing.

When the cold and long nights of the mountains hand over the reins of time to the first ray of the Sun, life rejoices. The burst of bright sunshine triggers positive vibes and infuses new life into everyone, including the animals, birds, trees, and simple people of the mountains. But life comes to a grinding halt if the day does not begin with bright sunlight.

Because of the dense clouds and fog, the roads were damp. The movement on the street was at a snail’s pace. Only a handful of people were moving on the road with their shoulders shrunk and their hands tucked in their armpits.

From the office window, a steady stream of traffic could be seen. Some sharp bends and curves add to the beauty of the serpentine roads that descend steeply on the hill slopes. It was noon, but due to fog, the headlamps of most of the vehicles were switched on. When a car climbs up and negotiates a hairpin bend, its light disappears behind the mountain, only to reappear against a misty backdrop after a few minutes.

There is an uneven row of shops on the roadside in front of his office, and there are some dilapidated buildings housing certain government offices on the road just below a U-turn. The rows of houses with roofs made of red-green corrugated sheets spread far and wide amidst dark green trees reflect the distinctive architectural style of the mountains – it seems as if children have built matchbox houses.

From the office, one can see the Ganga Restaurant. Its faded green rooftop and a part of its frontage are visible from the window. As soon as the Sun rises, many Nepalese workers swarm the area. Most of them work in the tea gardens during the season, and during the offseason, they accept all kinds of labour jobs. These people come out holding their food plates and a cup of steaming hot tea from inside the shop; perhaps they enjoy basking in the Sun. Some people sit on the green benches installed by the municipality along the road. Some keep standing by resting their back against the railings put up on the side of the road.

Morning is the only time these hardworking labourers, who have left their homes searching for a better life, eat food and laugh in each other’s company. They prepare their bodies and minds for the day’s hard work.

As long as it is bright sunshine, there is a lot of positivity in the air. The clerks working in the offices, people from the nearby villages who come for some judicial work or shopping, etc., and the boys and girls from nearby schools and colleges make this part of the town lively and vibrant. Sipping hot tea in the bright sunlight and eating famous and mouth-watering bread-pakora, some elderly villagers indulge in gossip.

These ‘know-all’ people take pride in teaching the secret tricks of politics and administration to one and all. Their ‘expert’ opinions are available to all the position holders - from a village sarpanch to the state chief minister. The policy framework for the country’s development seems to be discussed here only.

This area is deserted today because there is no sunshine. Due to fog and cold, most labourers are sitting inside today. Only a few people are drinking tea outside.

The pristine beauty of hill stations, with their panoramic landscapes, attracts tourists throughout the year. The cold and soothing breeze in summer and the crystal white sheets of snow in winter fascinate tourists in all seasons, but life becomes a living hell when boredom and loneliness set in. Only the populaces from hills can understand the adverse effects of the climate’s ever-changing colours on their everyday life and emotional well-being.

Because of his pensive mood and miserable state of mind, people walking on the road appeared sad. The outside scene looked gloomy and depressive. So, Raman closed the windowpanes, drew the curtain, and sat down to open his laptop again.